articles

Would you hit a colleague? Shout at someone who'd made a mistake? Would you refuse to work with someone who was black, female or pregnant? Jokingly call someone names? Withhold information? Join in gossip or office banter? You may answer 'no', but think back over the last six months, is your conscience crystal clear? One in ten employees think they have been bullied in the last six months. Nationally, that's over 2.5 million people. Someone out there is harassing staff at work and it could be happening at yours.

Last year British Employment Tribunals dealt with over twenty-eight thousand discrimination claims, but not everyone takes their case to an ET, some go on long term sick leave. Over 72% of targets of bullying say they suffered stress and a survey by a long-term disability insurer found that claims for compensation arising from mental health problems had increased by 90% in the last five years. Doing nothing, in your business, is not an option.

Harassment can be thought of as any unwanted behaviour that a person finds intimidating, upsetting, embarrassing, humiliating or offensive. The focus of all related legislation, the Sex Discrimination, Race Relations, Disability Discrimination and Protection from Harassment Acts and Regulations, lies in the impact of the behaviour on the recipient.

A survey in 2000, reported that withholding information, which affected a person's performance, had been experienced by nearly half of all employees. Other 'negative' behaviours, which can be cited as harassment, involved having opinions and views ignored, being given tasks with unreasonable targets/deadlines, and being exposed to unmanageable workloads. These may be the symptoms of escalating conflict between a manager and an employee or team, but many managers pass the blame on to the organisation itself.

Harassment can be inherent in the way an organisation does business. Rewarding 'tough' managers with promotion or performance bonuses is something often bemoaned by their abused staff. Most employees can work with tough deadlines now and again, but their perception of how they are set, how much control they have over their work and the kind of rewards that are in place, can make the difference between feeling harassed and willingly making an effort.

In a UNISON survey, 90% of people said that the fact that bullies can get away with it was a major factor in the prevalence of bullying behaviour, and people were scared to report it. This may be a widely held belief based on little evidence but seen as 'fact' by staff, so it's difficult to counteract unless an organisation is publicly seen to be doing something.

The laws on harassment focus on how a person feels about the behaviour that took place and the effects can be many. Symptoms include anger, anxiety, depression, withdrawal and problems concentrating. Targets often report a lack of confidence and complain of stomach upsets or seemingly minor illnesses.

However, there may actually be a lower rate of absenteeism because they are afraid of giving their persecutor more ammunition with which to harass them. They can become anxious about being branded 'not up to the job' and having their standing within the organisation undermined.

Charlotte Rayner's research in1998, found that a quarter of those subjected to bullying at work left their employment, as did one in five of those who had witnessed it. Some stay on to fight for an apology or even vengeance, but many put up and shut up often destroying their personal lives in the process. Rayner found that the longer bullying went on, the less likely that there would be a satisfactory outcome. In fact, 84% of those questioned said that the bully had done it before, and three quarters said management knew this. If this is true, managers are failing in their duty of care towards their employees. Doing nothing is collusion and makes you liable.

It's hard to generalise about the types of people who bully or harass at work. It's reported that about three-quarters are managers, some feel threatened by their subordinate's knowledge, creativity etc., but some do it because they can or because they are inflexible, opinionated or stressed themselves.

Ignore the signs at your peril - people leaving, grapevine gossip, drops in productivity, sickness, people asking to be moved, all hint at an underlying problem. Find out what it is. Do exit interviews, back to work interviews, monitor performance and sickness, talk to people informally, but treat it seriously, take appropriate action and monitor.

I investigated a case last year where two people had made allegations of bullying against their senior manager. An informal chat was had with the manager, but nothing else done. They both later went off sick with stress as the manager found more covert ways of undermining them. The investigation cost thousands of pounds and much heartache, which could have been averted by monitoring the situation. Both complainants resigned and their years of experience and knowledge were lost to the organisation, who had to recruit and train newcomers and were lucky not to be sued for constructive dismissal and compensation.

Targets who stand up to their harassers straightaway, are likely to nip the problem in the bud. Research has shown that telling the harasser their behaviour is unacceptable within two weeks of it first happening is most likely to stop it. Leave it longer than that, and the target's self-confidence is quickly eroded and they may need help. Managers and personnel people must deal with harassment promptly to avoid the permanent breakdown of working relationships.

Whatever the size of your company, you can reduce the incidence of unacceptable behaviour by having a widely broadcast statement, explicitly stating that harassment will not be tolerated, giving examples of bad behaviour and its consequences, and emphasising that everyone is responsible for their own acts. It is crucial to have a process for dealing with it, which is explained to staff, and is enforced and monitored.

In my years as an investigator, I have seen so many cases that could have been avoided if action had been taken early, if targets or managers had had that difficult conversation to say 'what you just did was unacceptable'. A lot of harassers don't intend to hurt people and would be mortified to think that they had, a quiet word and an apology might avoid escalation. Some harassers do intend to hurt and undermine, and an early warning that their behaviour has been spotted and the consequences should they continue, is enough to stop them in their tracks. What is important is that everyone, not just managers and personnel, takes action when behaviour is unacceptable.

2. Stand up to the harasser and address their behaviour promptly and assertively if you are able

4. You can always leave - it may be better for your mental health in the long run to completely remove yourself from harm's way than to either grin and bear it or fight for an apology.

5. Monitor the policy and the organisation as a whole to spot trouble before it escalates

4. Change your behaviour - be flexible in the way you deal with different people and different situations

5. If you are accused of harassment, take note of what is said, go away and review your behaviour, and calmly think through your responsibilities in order to respond.

A recent enquiry from Australia led to this advice on

How to respond to a bully and building confidence.

Responding to a bully

Firstly, think of bullying as 'inappropriate behaviour' rather than generalising a whole person's character as a bully. That way it makes it much easier to prepare yourself for dealing with the bullying or inappropriate behaviour, and also much easier for the person doing the inappropriate behaviour to hear (as opposed to someone 'assassinating' their character).

I always recommend that you 'name the behaviour' to their face.

For example - 'wow you're acting really threateningly' or 'you're coming across as quite intimidating'. (Just a statement, said in a level tone.)

Often people don't realise that's how they're being perceived, and for those who don't mean to bully it can stop them in their tracks.

If you don't feel you can do this off the cuff when it's actually happening, you can say something later. A technique I've used and recommend is DESC scripting.

For example - 'when you did/said this (name the behaviour), it felt threatening/hurtful (whatever it felt like). I want to work together harmoniously, but if this behaviour happens again I'm going to have to request that we don't work together any more on this/report you to personnel/say whatever it is you are prepared to do (no threats, empty or otherwise)'

You can follow this up with the 'broken record' or 'instant replay' technique where you assertively repeat what you want until they get the message.

For example - 'If you could just stop shouting, we could get this done quickly'. 'Please stop shouting, and we can proceed.' 'If you just stop shouting now, then we can get on.'

If a person really intends to undermine, intimidate or bully someone - then these two useful techniques will probably be ignored by the recipient. The time is then to ask a manager/personnel for help. They will/should have the extra status/power/authority that is needed to stop inappropriate behaviour once it has been explained to the perpetrator, and recourse to sanctions if behaviour doesn't improve.

You'd be amazed just how much self talk/internal dialogue/inner voice a.k.a. 'thinking' saps and builds confidence and inner strength. People are far better at talking themselves into a real tizzy than other people are at putting them there.

So the key message here is talking to yourself in a positive, confident, strong way will leave you far better off than constantly replaying a scene in your head and thinking about how horrible it was.

I've got several exercises you can do to improve this on my CD set/download from www.intro2nlp.com.

Sounds simple, and practise makes it easy too.

These are just some of the techniques that can help you deal with bullying behaviour.

And a fun article she was recently asked to write for a relationship website using NLP techniques for her top 10 tips...

You know how when you meet someone new everything is exciting and you look for things you have in common, things you like about them, get to learn their little idiosyncrasies and the things that may make them potential lovers, friends and lifelong partners!

Why then, when you have been dating for a while or living together for some time, do you start to get annoyed with their faults, hacked off with their idiosyncrasies, or complacent? You can probably come up with a myriad of reasons why your relationship is no longer sparkling and it’s probably all their fault!

But ask yourself, do you still look for things you have in common or things that separate you?

Are you still learning about them or do you think you know everything already? Have they changed from the attentive, adoring, generous person that initially attracted you or have you? Were you wrong then when you fell in love?

2. Look for the best in them each day and give them the best of you. Notice when they’ve done something good and compliment them, not just the things that irritate followed by a nagging session. A genuine compliment about something you like them doing guides them the in right direction. And don’t wait to do something nice for them, go first!

3. Remember the best time you made love together. Remember as many details as you can – what you saw, the sounds, the feelings…spend some time reliving the moment and immerse yourself in the feelings it brings back. Fill your body from head to toe with those pleasurable sensations. Then call them/talk to them/jump into bed!

4. Do something different. If you see that look on their face, which you recognise as meaning you’ve done something wrong or they want an argument, you could jump into the same old patterns of behaviour and get defensive or give them an argument back, or, you could try something new. Take a deep breath. Relax those facial and shoulder muscles and consciously loosen any tension in your stomach…and breathe. Make eye contact. Listen to what they’re saying. Ask a question to clarify their point. Tell them you’re sorry if something you’ve done has upset them. See it from their point of view. Physically move to a different position. Maintain an even tone of voice…go on, think up some more ways you can react differently next time and see how much better you can experience the situation.

5. Share a laugh. Show them that funny email that came round today. Watch a stand up comedian you both like. Play a childish game. Look out for the quirky things - from odd shaped vegetables to silly mistakes, and share them with each other. Two people laughing can really generate amazing endolphins to swim around your body and make you both feel great.

6. Relax and be yourself and let them be him/herself too. After all, when you got together you liked each other, didn’t you! Stop trying to be something you’re not and forcing them to be something they’re not too. Relax and let yourself shine.

7. Be happy in yourself. Behaviour breeds behaviour as they say. If you want to be happy together, you’ve got to start with yourself. If you feel great, it’s infectious. Like those people whose sudden entrance at a party makes it start to swing – they’re fun to be around. Nobody likes the mood-hoovers who’ll suck the very life force out of you! So do things to make you happy, energised and fun to be around. For example: exercise; learn something new; remember a time when you were together and felt absolutely fabulous; tell yourself you’re happy and lucky instead of grumbling about the worst; wear your best clothes on an ordinary day…take a little risk. What can you do today to make yourself feel happier?

The more you start thinking about how happily you want to be together the more ways you can find to start cherishing your relationship again. I found that when I started learning about Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) in the 1990s I suddenly became inspired and much more creative in the ways I related to my friends, family and partner. You can’t control what they will think or do or how they will react to you, but you can learn to manage your own ways of behaving, thinking and feeling to enhance your life and your relationships.

You can find out more about NLP from my Introduction to NLP seminar, if you can’t attend one in person, you can get a recording by downloading from the web or sending for a CD set. It will tell you how to start inducing fantastic and confident emotional states in yourself and others, amplifying those states, understanding your own internal representations of the real world out there, and how that affects your thoughts and behaviour.

Nicola Walker is an NLP Master Practitioner and Trainer and has a degree in psychology. She runs training courses in NLP and communication skills and is a successful life confidence coach. She is happily married to author and musician Spencer Westwood. You can find more at http://www.nicwalker.com/ and http://www.intro2nlp.com/.

Santa Claus and elves! Monsters under the bed! Invisible friends! Children can have such a vivid imagination. It’s no wonder they can create phobias equally easily. But then, that’s why it’s such a pleasure to work with them.

Recently, a man, who had attended my Introduction to NLP course, rang me to say his six year old son refused to enter lifts anymore, and his fear had now elevated itself to phobia status! On a cold, frosty November morning I went to see him and in a matter of minutes we were in the toy store, second floor, having used the lift without problem, and ready to see what Santa could bring this Christmas.

It was so easy. Firstly, I chatted to him and asked whether he knew why I was there. ‘Yes’ he replied ‘so I can go up in lifts again.’ Ahh, my job almost done already! Preparing his parents first had paid dividends. When making the appointment, I had assured the father that his son would be ‘cured’ within the space of an hour, and asked him about access to local lifts in order to test my work. Having been on my Introduction to NLP course, he was already convinced about the ability of the mind to make real changes, and thereby had influenced his son to believe everything was going to be ‘alright’.

In the company of his father, I asked the boy if he could count to one hundred, which he did. I asked him to imagine that if one was ‘happy’ and one hundred was ‘very frightened’, where he would place himself when he remembered what it was like to go in a lift. He told me about a time in a Portuguese hotel where he had been stuck in a lift, and rated it at ‘ninety-nine’. I told him about my experience in a three-sided Spanish lift where somebody had fun drawing on the walls between floors. In conversational tone, I asked him what he would like to feel when he went in a lift, he said ‘one or two’ and I asked him to describe in his own words what that would feel like.

We went on to talk about things he really liked doing, how he felt about his parents, his sibling, his toys…anything and everything. I like talking with children, they’re usually very honest and open, and in this situation, you can use the things they say and how they feel about them, to their own advantage. At the end of five or six minutes, armed with knowledge about the comfort his stuffed animal toy brought, his love of trains and the excitement seeing them triggered, and his favourite, local toy store – in which he’d seen the lift - we set to play. The more you get them to experience the states as they talk, the easier it is trigger them later, just by using their names as anchors.

I asked him where the toy trains could be found in the toy store, which was on the second floor. I asked him whether we would have to go up in the lift. He hesitantly said ‘yes’, so I got him imagining all the different trains and toys, and which ones he would enjoy seeing, and when he was in a really good state, asked him what he would need to do to go up in the lift to look at all these good things. I asked him if his favourite stuffed animal would mind going up with him, and what else would make the experience more like ‘one or two’. When we finally had a ‘set of states’ (the stuffed animal, his mother, his baby brother, the trains), I got him to imagine pressing the button to call the lift and waiting outside the doors to go up. I then guided him through the scene of getting into the lift, pressing the button for the second floor, going up, and the doors opening to the fun and excitement of the toy trains. When asked to rate himself on the scale this time he replied ‘about eighteen or nineteen’. We ran through it a couple more times, adding and subtracting different states by naming anchors using his own words and feelings from our earlier conversation.

I then asked him if he knew of any more lifts in the nearby shops. He remembered one in the car park, and another in a different store. Although there were no toys at the end of one of these lift rides, I again guided him through the experience of calling the lift and riding up and down using the previous anchored states. After doing this several times, I asked what would happen if the lift stopped unexpectedly, added in a judder or two, a few more people, and soon he was coping with anything and everything in his imagination.

He then asked me when we were going to go in the lift! I said not just yet as I still had a few more questions for him, as I wanted to make sure he was really ready to go. This way, I made sure that all that was standing between him and the lift was me, and all I had to do was get out of the way. He was keen, but still I got him to rate how much happier he felt about going in the lift ride in just a minute or two and, sure enough, he replied ‘one or two’!

We got to the store, the boy, his mother, his brother, the stuffed animal and me, and up we went for real, just like in his imagination. Then down. Then the car park lift, much darker and not so brightly lit - up and down. Finally the toy store, without me, up and down. Without the animal - up and down. I asked him if he felt able to use any lift from now on, which he confirmed and I told him that would continue to be the case from now on. I asked him whether he felt that when he was slightly older, he’d be able to use the lift without his mother. He said he could do that now, but I decided against experimenting with that, as he was only six.

Before departing to let him go back up to the toy trains, I gave his parents a couple of pointers: going in lifts was ‘no big thing’, so avoid questioning whether he could do it or whether the ‘cure’ would last; if he raised the matter, always to speak of his former fear in the past tense; and finally, their son’s vivid imagination could use the same techniques to cure or install fear, but was best used to create happiness and joy, as Santa well knows.

Nicola Walker, is a licensed master practitioner and trainer of NLP. Her Introduction to NLP courses in the UK attract a wide variety of people keen to learn more about the power of their mind. You can now experience one of her 3 hour seminars by visiting her website at www.intro2nlp.com, either listening online or by ordering a 3xCD set. Or see her live in London - seminar dates at www.nicwalker.com. Next NLP Practitioner course in Ankara, Turkey Jan 2006.

Articles